In the Headlines, Vacation Edition (Petoskey [Mich.] News-Review, 13 August 2004)

HEADLINE:
"Paralyzed teen's attempt to buy gun manufacturer falls short"

Seventeen-year-old Brandon Maxfield, paralyzed in an accidental shooting at the age of seven, was outbid in his attempt this month to buy and shut down Bryco Arms, manufacturer of the gun that shattered his spine.

Maxfield's goal of shuttering the now-bankrupt company and melting its inventory of Saturday night specials into a sculpture fell short of the winning $510,000 bid by merely $5,000, after keeping pace with bids that began at $175,000.

The winning bidder? A former Bryco foreman, who had earlier bought the company for $150,000, but was forced to go through another, properly publicized auction.

The only bright spot: the man had to rebuy the company at three times the price. After winning the record settlement that forced Bryco into bankruptcy, young Maxfield is the company's major creditor and holds 90% of claims on the company.

HEADLINE:
"Meningitis prevention parties hit with teens"

Somehow, I doubt it. Unless I mistakenly clipped the final words of that headline.

Possibilities include:

"... thinks mother who throws them"
"... unfamiliar with parties"
"... with meningitis"

HEADLINE:
"President visiting Traverse City"

Says one Petoskey resident in line to get tickets:

"I am going because I love winners, and because my heroes are still cowboys... I am voting for President Bush because I am pro-guns, anti-abortion, I believe in spending my own money and not letting Democrats spend it for me where they want, and because Bush is an honest Christian who is focused. That's more than Kerry is."

Well, Jimbo, sounds you're tossing your eggs into the right basket. If you need a winner like Bush. If you admire a dusty, hard-workin' cowboy like Bush, who knows the trails of his ranch like the back of his hand.

Things are going so much better with Republicans spending your money where they want, right?

Today's FOCR: "Michigan Militia," Moxy Fruvous, You Will Go to the Moon
[Don't have iTunes? Why on Earth not?]

Can You Fear Me Now?

I bought a new cell phone. On this phone, many American dollars were spent to get Bluetooth, the wireless connection named for your face's color three hours after your first attempt to make it work.

With this Bluetooth, I am theoretically able to cordlessly (uncordedly?) hot-sync the phone book on the phone with that on my computer. Taking this theoretical model to its conclusion, I would enter one phone number in one device, and that number would then immediately be sucked into that seldom-used black hole called Things I Never Muss with Again.

Unfortunately, I bought the Bluetooth phone with an underbite. It won't hot-sync with anything. The only way to get phone numbers from my computer to my phone is to move them one by one. That's not "syncing." That's "shoving."

And I think that the folks at Palm would be horrified to know their product was offering people a "hot-shove."

There's only one port left to try. And it won't be pretty.

Today's FOCR: "Keep Pushin'," REO Speedwagon, R.E.O.
[iTunes]