Five O'Clock Jockamo

The best radio station, on the best day, in the best city in the world.

All you'd need to know today.

Today's FOCR: WWOZ-FM, New Orleans, La.

Great Starkey's Malarkey, Batman!

[BBC News:]

Ringo Starr and Stan Lee are working on an animated TV show that will feature the former Beatle as an "evil-battling" superhero with "a great sense of rhythm."

Who gets by with a little help from his superfriends. Who gets high with a little help...

Whew. Had to get that one out of my head. Now, I'll go back to hearing the other thing I've heard in an endless mental loop all day long...

Today's FOCR: the Hamm's Beer jingle, written by the late Ernie Garven

The Snownership Society

Stifle this talk of "ownership" and "privatizing," and how the private sector does the job better than government. Allow me to share something the rest of the nation can learn from Chicago before throwing Social Security to the dogs.

Walk a few Chicago blocks in the days following a snowstorm. You'll notice a big difference between city and public property in the level of safe and easy travel.

Park sidewalks, city property and streets: shoveled and plowed. Always? Almost. Promptly? Usually. Done well? Surprisingly often.

Stores and private businesses: icy and poorly shoveled. Always? No. Often? Yes. Incompletely cleared? Oh, yes.

The reasons for this slippery schism, which came to me in hot mental vomit after I nearly threw my dick out on a patch of storefront ice, are simple and twofold.

One. The city budgets money for snow removal. Men and women who do snow removal are paid decently (too well, some might say) and it is their JOB. Likely to have protected jobs, they probably feel more secure in their jobs, knowing exactly the boundaries they'd have to cross in order to lose it. Their job, for which they are paid and have time to do, is removing snow.

Whereas, one would imagine, the UPS Store employee opening the store alone at 0800 probably has precious little time to also run outside and shove a pile of wet heart attack around, while the SUV throng stands around shrieking to see a manager if their Frontgate.com returns don't go out this hot fucking minute.

Two. There is a reason that cities budget money for snow removal. Political patronage jobs to throw around, you say. Absolutely. No argument there. But shut up anyway.

Snow clearing is not only necessary to a city's operation, but a city doesn't like to see old folks slip and kill themselves. It makes the city look bad. People would stop moving there. Then they wouldn't be buying things like ridiculous permits allowing you to park the car you own.

More than that, buried beneath all that, there's a vestigial reason that cities send out the shovels and plows. People of the burgh Expect and Demand it.

Businesses' primary motivation to shovel and plow (make products safe, emit less waste, not kill people) is to Keep From Getting Sued.

We used to live in an E&D society. Bit by bit, we're being trained to accept substitutes who give us only enough to KFGS.

Today's FOCR: "Gotta' Plow That Snow," James Coffey, Lots & Lots of Trucks

[No iTunes?]

Ah, Memories

Via Ananova:

A Romanian couple who met on the internet named their new baby "Yahoo."

Whoa. Serious?

Thank you, thank you, I post once a week. Tip the blogstaff.

Today's FOCR: "Desperate but Not Serious," Adam Ant, Friend or Foe

[No iTunes?]

Spooky

The Associated Press reports that primitive tribes of the Andaman and Nicobar Islands Indian archipelago may have had a "sixth sense" warning of the tsunami. Their ancient knowledge of the ocean and their Paleolithic lifestyle may have cued them to flee the shores, surviving the calamity.

"They can smell the wind. They can gauge the depth of the sea with the sound of their oars. They have a sixth sense which we don't possess," said Ashish Roy, a local environmentalist and lawyer who has called on the courts to protect the tribes by preventing their contact with the outside world.

This may no longer be an easy mission. Currently, Fox executives are approaching the island to find out exactly how the tribes just knew that a live-action Fat Albert movie would suck rocks.

Today's FOCR: "Voodoo Village," Tony Joe White, Tony Joe White

[No iTunes?]

O, U R N NYC EMT?

How does Diamond Dave actually get awesomer? Here's CBC to tell you:

David Lee Roth trains as paramedic.

Roth began his career in medicine several weeks ago, riding along with an ambulance crew in New York.

...

Roth has spent several nights a week responding to emergency calls in the Bronx, Brooklyn and Manhattan.

...

He even saved the life of a heart-attack victim by using a defibrillator.

Just for reference? Neither this guy nor this guy have much to say on this front, either.

Today's FOCR: "Somebody Get Me a Doctor," David Lee Roth & friends, David Lee Roth & Friends II

Big thanks to mon frère for the DLR alert.

[No iTunes?]

Well, fuck.

So this is hell.


I'd always heard it was going to be cold here when that guy got reelected.

Today's FOCR: "Cold Spell," Orleans, Still the One

[ No iTunes?]

Today's FOCR: "Funky President (People It's Bad)," James Brown

[No iTunes?]

Delicious, Part II



(In case you forgot, Delicious the First.)

Two dynasties down in 2004. One to go. November 2nd.

Today's FOCR: "Babe," Styx, Cornerstone
[Still no iTunes?]

Final 2004 NL Wild Card Standings*

1. Chicago (0.0)
2. Philadelphia (-3.73)
3. San Francisco (-3.89)
4. Houston (-4.48)**
5. San Diego (-4.56)

Suck it, Houston! Ha ha, yeah!

Today's FOCR: "Astro Man," Jimi Hendrix, First Rays of the New Rising Sun
[No iTunes?]

* If decided by scores given to city flags by NAVA members . As seen on MetaFilter.
** Nice flag, Houston! Ha ha! Suck it!

Bush signs tax bill, blasts Kerry in Iowa

…[A]fter the tax bill-signing ceremony at a YMCA in Des Moines, Bush told the audience in Clive that the state's economy was sound.

And then the YMCA audience went upstairs to their rooms.

Today's FOCR: "Room at the Top," Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Echo

[No iTunes?]

Foo' Tang

My reactions to this* (via The Morning News), by instance of viewing:

1st: Laughter

2nd: Laughter

3rd: Initially suppressed but ultimately overpowering laughter

4th: Head-down-on-desk-and-almost-drooling laughter

5th: What can only be classified as "uncontrollable cackling"

6th: Concern that I'm laughing too hard.

7th: Favorite part: the secondary attempt at recovery, resulting in the subtler, off-camera comedy

8th: New favorite part: the tough, "'Sup?" head snap at the very beginning.

9th: A wistful understanding that, as with life, this link will disappear before I know it. The future washes over me, aided by time-lapse imagery of the seasons. Leaves fall. Snow flies. The "oregonstate.edu/~blackd/castin.mov" link eventually dies under the crushing traffic of hungry viewings like my own.* Or perhaps "Blackd" graduates from, or otherwise leaves, Oregon State. I forget this movie and the delightful Saturday morning it provided. I never clearly learn this guy's name: John? Rod? Deflected by this mishap from his burgeoning action-star career, JohnRod continues to finish his communications degree. He nabs an internship at a huge advertising agency. It leads to a solid job with a direct-mail marketer. By age 45, JohnRod thinks more about 3-digit ZIP presorts than he ever imagined a person could. Over the cup of mediocre coffee in the office kitchen, he remembers that long-ago day in front of the video camera. If only I'd been less cocky, he thinks. If only I'd spent less time looking tough for the camera, and more time concentrating on my motion, I'd have completed that flip. I'd have been noticed in that student film. Who knows where I'd be now? He dumps another packet of Equal into the bitter coffee and tries not to think of it. I'm married, I've got a great kid, and I'm successful. At that, I've done a hell of a lot more than my father ever managed. I'm doing a lot.

10th: Softer cackling.

Today's FOCR:
"No Time," The Guess Who, Canned Wheat

[ Don't have iTunes? There must have been a hole in the net.]

*Yep. Links since updated.

Now Bend Over and Proofread Harass

What's the term for deciding where to break a line of text, moving subsequent words down to the next line? I'll tell you why I ask.

The renewal sticker for our Illinois license plate was affixed to a card bearing this instruction:

STICKER INSTRUCTIONS
-----------------------------------------
PLACE THIS VALIDATED DECAL ON YOUR REAR
LICENSE PLATE

Somebody in the Secretary of State's office sure earned their pay, making me laugh so hard after I figured out what I did wrong.

So he or she should have no problem loaning me $78 for a new sticker... right?

Today's FOCR:
"Stick It," Great White, Great White

[ Don't have iTunes? Why must you struggle? You only make the knots tighter...]

This One Goes out to Bourbon



Today's FOCR:
"New Orleans Is Sinking," The Tragically Hip, Up to Here

Confidential to MBK: Sure, I'll do requests.

Nouveaucab


indignorance: a callow outrage.

Fox News reacted to the documentary with characteristic indignorance.

comatoast: a severely inebriated tribute.

The wedding was ruined by spicy revelations in the brother-in-law's comatoast.

Today's FOCR: "Don't Believe a Word," Thin Lizzy, Johnny the Fox

[Don't have iTunes? Oh, fine. But why on Earth not?]

In the Headlines, Vacation Edition (Petoskey [Mich.] News-Review, 13 August 2004)

HEADLINE:
"Paralyzed teen's attempt to buy gun manufacturer falls short"

Seventeen-year-old Brandon Maxfield, paralyzed in an accidental shooting at the age of seven, was outbid in his attempt this month to buy and shut down Bryco Arms, manufacturer of the gun that shattered his spine.

Maxfield's goal of shuttering the now-bankrupt company and melting its inventory of Saturday night specials into a sculpture fell short of the winning $510,000 bid by merely $5,000, after keeping pace with bids that began at $175,000.

The winning bidder? A former Bryco foreman, who had earlier bought the company for $150,000, but was forced to go through another, properly publicized auction.

The only bright spot: the man had to rebuy the company at three times the price. After winning the record settlement that forced Bryco into bankruptcy, young Maxfield is the company's major creditor and holds 90% of claims on the company.

HEADLINE:
"Meningitis prevention parties hit with teens"

Somehow, I doubt it. Unless I mistakenly clipped the final words of that headline.

Possibilities include:

"... thinks mother who throws them"
"... unfamiliar with parties"
"... with meningitis"

HEADLINE:
"President visiting Traverse City"

Says one Petoskey resident in line to get tickets:

"I am going because I love winners, and because my heroes are still cowboys... I am voting for President Bush because I am pro-guns, anti-abortion, I believe in spending my own money and not letting Democrats spend it for me where they want, and because Bush is an honest Christian who is focused. That's more than Kerry is."

Well, Jimbo, sounds you're tossing your eggs into the right basket. If you need a winner like Bush. If you admire a dusty, hard-workin' cowboy like Bush, who knows the trails of his ranch like the back of his hand.

Things are going so much better with Republicans spending your money where they want, right?

Today's FOCR: "Michigan Militia," Moxy Fruvous, You Will Go to the Moon
[Don't have iTunes? Why on Earth not?]

Can You Fear Me Now?

I bought a new cell phone. On this phone, many American dollars were spent to get Bluetooth, the wireless connection named for your face's color three hours after your first attempt to make it work.

With this Bluetooth, I am theoretically able to cordlessly (uncordedly?) hot-sync the phone book on the phone with that on my computer. Taking this theoretical model to its conclusion, I would enter one phone number in one device, and that number would then immediately be sucked into that seldom-used black hole called Things I Never Muss with Again.

Unfortunately, I bought the Bluetooth phone with an underbite. It won't hot-sync with anything. The only way to get phone numbers from my computer to my phone is to move them one by one. That's not "syncing." That's "shoving."

And I think that the folks at Palm would be horrified to know their product was offering people a "hot-shove."

There's only one port left to try. And it won't be pretty.

Today's FOCR: "Keep Pushin'," REO Speedwagon, R.E.O.
[iTunes]

"Iraq: A New Chapter" Update

New allegations out of Abu Ghraib:

Advocates for suspected insurgents held at the notorious prison are claiming that coalition jailers have merely replaced their humiliation tactics with even more unbearable torture: fleets of Chicago ice cream trucks parked outside the facility, blaring "Turkey In The Straw" for hours.

Adding insult to injury of the male Muslim prisoners, say the advocates, is the song's acronym.

Today's FOCR: "Turkey in the Straw," Vassar Clements, Grass Routes
[iTunes]

That’ll Learn ‘Im

CBS Sportsline: Nineteen-year-old Miami football recruit Willie Williams was sentenced to three years’ probation… for violating probation.

So, Plastic Man… like to get all stretchy and break out of jail, do ya? You’ll have plenty of time to think about it… behind bars! [SFX: CELL DOOR SLAM] Heh, heh, heh. [DUSTS HANDS]

Today's FOCR: "You've Got Another Thing Comin'," Judas Priest, Screaming For Vengeance [iTunes]

This theme is getting old... both in the "aged" and the "quit it already" senses, so I'd better move it along.

Things About LA That I...

... Will Miss: (3.) Tiki-Ti

A bar so small, you'll be standing if you don't get there within an hour of the 6PM opening. Drinks so strong, the first one quickly answers why on earth you paid $10 for it. Names so funny, you'll wonder why you ever went to bars where saying "Puka Puka" at the bar gets you pointed to the alley door.


When we first went there in 2002, we decided in our drunky haze that we'd take home the paper menu listing the 80+ tropical drinks, and use it to record comments on every single one. For two years, we brought in our tattered, blurry, gin-joint journal, along with any out-of-town guest and probably a cumulative two grand. We proceeded to try (or be with someone who tried) every drink on the menu, recording a bit of pissed pith each time.

In retrospect, our entries are no more illuminating (and no less guttural) than the drinks' names. Many are on the level of "Bourbonanza!" or "Can't remember -- went down yesterday." Frankly, it doesn't matter. Other than the Tequila Chapter (about which the less said, the better) there isn't much you can say to distinguish one big bourbon-rum-and-juice haymaker from sixty others. At least, not much you can fit in the half-inch of space between splash marks.

Our leaving Los Angeles coincided almost perfectly with finishing the menu. We'd never felt cool enough to talk with the father-and-son bartender team, much less ask them to put our Illinois plates up with the global collection hanging over the bar. But that night, a regular spotted us celebrating our completed menu and brought it over to them. The best we got out of them was a smile and, "It's a kind of sickness."

Soooo cooool.

... Won't Miss: (3.) Being Cool, Trim, Well-Dressed, Moneyed, and the Object of Envy

It was hard to keep up after a while. Some days, I could only manage Moneyed and Trim, having too little energy to project enviableness. Other days, I had it all going... except the vintage concert tee and sculpted bedhead. And it tore my soul up to leave the house without the whole picture complete.

It was a lot of plates to spin, boyo. I'd like to see you try it.

... Will Miss: (2.) Watts Towers

Easily the coolest thing in Los Angeles. I'm sure I've taken more pictures of it than of my grandparents. And my grandparents are cool.

... Won't Miss: (2.) Dogs Barking/Helicopters/Leaf Blowers (tie)

I'll tell oo y, but you'll to h a second until is nds.

... Will Miss: (1.) You Know Who You Are

... Won't Miss: (1.) This Kind of Mess

Today's FOCR: "Goodbye," Paul Stanley, Paul Stanley
[iTunes]