Five O'Clock Rock

Things About LA That I...

... Won't Miss: (7.) The Endless Unforwardable Mail

Carlos, Adalin and Erika... I will miss your bales of mortgage offers like I would miss oxygen.

Oh, Gayle, don't even look at me like that. You know those monthly Capital One pitches for your alma mater's MasterCard have meant the world to me!

And Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin... Anywhere somebody's trying in vain to recycle a tin AOL mailer or get off their mailing list, ma, you'll be there. Haha! [SNIFF] It has always been "all about the Benjamin."

All of you. And Richard. Michael. Robert. And Grace. We may never have shared this apartment in person. But every Social Security Administration letter, IRS threat or manufacturer's recall we've marked up and dropped back in the mailbox has only served to make our bond stronger than mere roommates could feel.

Now, I told myself I wasn't going to cry. But look at me! Well?! Don't just stand there and let me be a wreck by myself! Get over here, you all. Come and get your love.

And to all you who called our phone number, endlessly looking for Paco, or Tran, or that botanica-slash-fertility clinic... It's my own stupid, stupid fault we'll never talk again. I'm sorry. Damn my Caller ID for only holding 99 calls. Damn those engineers -- would a hundreds column kill them? Just one lousy extra digit?

You gave me every chance, when you would call five times in a row, waiting for some stupid idiot to stop picking up the phone so that Paco, or Tran, or Santeria MakePreggers could. We may not have spoken the same language out of our mouths, but our hearts were fluent.

And now, mine is breaking.

... Will Miss: (7.) Super-Fast, Reliable Mail Service

My Netflix Spider-Man 2 just showed up. It's that fast.

Today's FOCR: "Mailman," Soundgarden, Superunknown
[iTunes]