Today's Five O'Clock Rod (Episode 64)

Arrest my governor once, shame on you. Arrest my governor twice, shame on me.

Intro
Been Caught Stealing / Jane's Addiction
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap / AC/DC
Jailbreak / Thin Lizzy
Trust Me To Open My Mouth / Squeeze
Wrong Again (Let's Face It) / Rockpile
I Take What I Want / Sam & Dave
Watch That Man / Lee Fields
What Have You Done for Me Lately / Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings
Trouble / Frederick Knight
Hometown Bust / Cactus
Claimin' I'm A Criminal / Brand Nubian
Christmas In Jail / The Youngsters
Don't Pass Your Judgment / The Memphis Nomads
Three-Dollar Bill / Maria Muldaur

This Friday's Mix: Blagoje-pinched

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 63)

Special, special, what do you get? Another year older and deeper in debt.

Intro
Special / Violent Femmes
Nothing Special / Local H
Creep / Radiohead
The Midnight Special / Creedence Clearwater Revival
Walk to Slide / G. Love & Special Sauce
Orange Blossom Special (Live) / Johnny Cash
A Message to You Rudy / The Specials
Brass in Pocket / The Pretenders
Special / De La Soul
Nothing Special / His Name Is Alive
Somebody Special / Bobby Womack
Drunkard’s Special / Coley Jones

This Friday's Mix: 38 Special

This Quadrennium's Five O'Clock Barack Thanks, everybody. It's just what I wanted. You're all right.

This Election's Theme: It's a new day.

Arrived at 6:05 a.m. to find 30 people already in line. It took about 40 minutes, and only 39.5 of those were spent on judge retention.

Now listen, America. You know my birthday's coming up. You manage to show up every four years or so, making a big deal about the effort you put out in merely showing up at all. I'm not a gift-centered person by any means, and I'm always glad to see you. In fact, I hope we see each other more often. It might help things.

But, frankly, when you do show up, what you bring me has generally been crap.

And let's not talk about the past two times. I can't even Freecycle that shit away.

This time I know I might be asking for a lot. It's not the store where you've shopped your entire life. There might not be parking. It's probably going to take a while to check out. A long-ass while. Maybe you're not entirely sure what it is you'll be taking home.

But just this once. Come on. Trust me. It's going to be worth it.

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 62)

Four days to go. I can't look.

Intro
I Got You / Split Ends
The Midnight Creep / The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
I'm A Ghost / Ted Leo + the Pharmacists
Groovy Spirit / Jackie Mittoo
Black Cat / Broadcast
Voodoo Lady / Ween
The Witch Queen of New Orleans / Redbone
The Boogie Monster / Gnarls Barkley
Psychotic Girl / The Black Keys
Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps) / David Bowie
Spirits in the Material World / Police
The Awful Truth / Carole King
I Put a Spell on You / Screamin' Jay Hawkins

This Friday's Mix: Oooh, Scary!

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 61)

Don't let the rock hit you where the good lord split you.

Intro
Open Up Your Back Door / Canned Heat & John Lee Hooker
Backdoor Love Affair / ZZ Top
Lookin' Out My Back Door / Creedence Clearwater Revival
My Doorbell / The White Stripes
Gimme Three Steps / Lynyrd Skynyrd
No Knock / Gil Scott-Heron
Let 'Em In / Billy Paul
Let Me In / Bonnie Raitt
Open The Door / Clive And Naomi
Behind Closed Doors / Chuck Brooks
I Don't Want Nobody To Give Me Nothing / James Brown
Three's Company (Theme From)
The Bust / Cheech & Chong

This Friday's Mix: The Doors

Vanity Fair Writer Hospitalized

Dominick Dunne is in the hospital after being stricken with pain as he watched testimony in the O.J. Simpson robbery & kidnapping trail. Preliminary tests were inconclusive, but doctors haven't ruled out his nearly severed head.

Today's FOCR: "Six Blade Knife," Dire Straits, Dire Straits

Stocks soar as investors look to gov't rescue plan

Wall Street extended a huge rally Friday as investors stormed back into the market, relieved that the government plans to restore calm to the financial system by rescuing banks from billions of dollars in bad debt.

And we were all very sorry, and we learned our lesson, and the bad thing never happened again. The end.

Rock Always Says It Better

"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig."
-- Barack Obama

"Obama was referring to Gov. Sarah Palin ... Who has been talking about lipstick lately? It was obvious."
-- McCain campaign spokesman Brian Rogers

"She likes wearin' lipstick, she likes French cuisine, but she won't let me use my passion unless it's in a limousine. She got me under pressure."
-- ZZ Top, "Got Me Under Pressure"

Today's FOCR: "Got Me Under Pressure," ZZ Top, Eliminator

Makin' Canadian Bacon

How hot is my life these days? Check out the On Demand options I perused this weekend.

• All Wet
• Around the Block
• Doing It Together
• I Love to Pretend
• Just for Laughs
• New Places

Aw, yeah.

Then I made sure I hadn't mistakenly left the Caillou section of On Demand. Nope. I dialed up an episode; I don't remember which one. It's when Caillou whines and has feelings about stuff. You know the one?

Once it was rolling, I sat back and took myself to that place parents go when they have no book or notebook or internets, but still opt to listen to the low hum in the back of their heads rather than watch the children's show in front of them.

Now re-read this post in your best Barry White voice. Aw, yeah.

R.I.P., Black Moses

Isaac Hayes has made his exit. Here he is, making one of the best entrances ever.



So badass, he can enter draped in one of my grandmother's quilts and make it look good.

Whatever went on between him and South Park, it's hard to believe he deserved the sendoff they gave him. Sad that this episode has been by rote included in his obits, regardless of their length. Do yourself a favor: watch Wattstax and Respect Yourself and see more to the man than that.

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 60)

So many -ates. Just a little late.

0. Intro
1. Late For The Train / Buzzcocks
2. Cheapskate / Supergrass
3. Overrated / Helmet
4. Dedicated / The Amps
5. The Late Greats / Wilco
6. Cemetry Gates / The Smiths
7. Sooner Or Later / World Party
8. Cast Your Fate To The Wind / Vince Guaraldi

This Friday's Mix: Oh, Eight

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 59)

08.01, 08.02... whatever it takes.

Intro
Holiday Road / Lindsey Buckingham
Fire In the Twilight / Wang Chung
Desire (Come And Get It) / Gene Loves Jezebel
March Of The Swivelheads / English Beat
Love Missile F1-11 / Sigue Sigue Sputnik
Wild Sex (In the Working Class) / Oingo Boingo
Don't Worry Baby / Los Lobos
(Oh) Pretty Woman / Van Halen
Twist And Shout / The Isley Brothers
I Want to be an Airborne Ranger / The US Army Rangers
Apron Strings / Everything but the Girl
Three Coins In The Fountain / Four Aces
Crazy Love / Van Morrison & Bob Marley
Colonel Bogey (From "Bridge Over the River Kwai") / Royal Australian Air Force Band

This Friday's Mix: Hughes' Next

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 58)

Five O'Clock Rock didn't forget your birthday.

Intro
Don't You Forget About Me / Simple Minds
Turning Japanese / The Vapors
Haunted When The Minutes Drag / Love And Rockets
Shell-Shock / New Order
You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby / Kirsty MacColl
Miss Amanda Jones / The Rolling Stones
Oh Yeah / Yello
Mess Around / Ray Charles
Land Of 1000 Dances / Wilson Pickett
Try A Little Tenderness / Otis Redding
Lenny / Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble
I Can't Help Falling in Love with You / Lick the Tins
The Edge of Forever / The Dream Academy
If You Were Here / Thompson Twins
Birthday / The Beatles

This Friday's Mix: Hughes in Review

So That's What's Been Bothering Me



Man, now I feel like a jerk.

The Punctuation Was My First Clue



This sign replaced the original one, which read:

Coming in June

T-shirts for the whole "family." To brighten up your "outfit." Because casual wear is "our thing." "Don" our shirts and get "ma' fia" money. In a foot race between innocuous-looking businesses, we'd be out "front." Systematically paying higher prices than ours would be an "organized crime." We won't SLAP Tsamaddayou? Why you gotta write your big mouth off with this sign? Why can't youse write the one line we talked about? Stop with the writing every word I SLAP

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 57)

Will Rock For Food.

Intro
Tryin' Times / Donny Hathaway
Last Two Dollars / Johnnie Taylor
Can You Do Without? / The Meters
Poor Man's Song / Little Milton
I'm a Millionaire / Lee Fields
It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp / Three 6 Mafia
The Projects (PJays) / Handsome Boy Modeling School
Be Thankful for What You've Got / William DeVaughn
Patches / Clarence Carter
Lost My Job / Alex Chilton
I'm A Loser / UFO
Will the Wolf Survive? / Los Lobos
Hand To Mouth / The Flying Burrito Brothers
Poor Boy Boogie / Mac Davis
King Of The Road / Joe Tex
A Beggar For Your Kisses / The Diamonds

This Friday's Mix: Times Is Tough

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 56)

Non-driving rock and roll.

Intro
Bus Rider / The Guess Who
Walk Away / James Gang
Walk This Way / Aerosmith
Bad Motor Scooter / Montrose
Get On The Snake / Soundgarden
Cretin Hop / The Ramones
Kiss Me on the Bus / The Replacements
Hitch Hike / The Rolling Stones
Walkin' Thru The Park / Muddy Waters
Get Ready To Ride The Lion To Zion / Culture
Kick, Push / Lupe Fiasco
Les Bicyclettes de Belsize / Engelbert Humperdinck
I'll Stay / Funkadelic

This Friday's Mix: Alternate Transportation

Lar-went

Largo was/is a club in LA and the venue for some of the best shows I've seen, like Naked Trucker & T-Bones and Paul F. Tompkins. (I've been led to believe it also hosted some music.) Now the club is closing its doors on Fairfax, but reopens in June at a theater on La Cienega.

In the meantime, there's this cool-looking documentary capturing the old scenery, co-created by owner Mark Flanagan. (His friendly reservation-line messages were always a treat. I never met the guy, but I'd have sworn his recordings were inviting me by name.)

www.largofilm.com

"Baby, If You've Ever Wondered..."

... Wondered, whatever might be the best sitcom ever? With renewed certainty, I declare that it was WKRP in Cincinnati.

Finding episodes on Hulu.com last night convinced me of this again. I haven't watched the "Turkey" episode in years, and yet in one scene I could mirror Johnny Fever's exact hand gestures, for cry eye. That's how the true funny sticks.

Absolutely perfect ensemble work. Writing that goes from hilarious to mellow to moving to pleasantly weird. A show about rock music that actually liked rock music, using it authentically and integrally as a living character on the show.

And there, friends, is the rub. These Hulu episodes are clearly from the long-awaited and ultimately regrettable WKRP DVDs. To avoid the admittedly daunting and expensive task of licensing every single song fragment, the DVD producers ripped all songs out of the soundtrack, replacing them with generic rock-like substitutes.

The pilot episode's climactic scene, when Johnny launches WKRP's abrupt switch from "beautiful music" with Ted Nugent's "Queen of the Forest," is now so stunningly un-rocking, accompanied by a stock composition that certainly bears a title like "House Rockin' Guitar #12." The fan dies a little inside.

However, now that these Lucased episodes can be watched for free, I can let go of some of my fury. If nothing else, neutering the music does serve to focus further attention on the excellence of the performances. If Howard Hesseman can still make it look like "House Rockin' Guitar #12" is rocking his ass, it's because he's that good.

It's just too bad that anyone who missed the show in its original state will never know just how awesome it used to sound.

But really? There wasn't some deal to work out? DVDs that could breathe new life into hoary AOR tracks with links to buy the songs in each episode? Or even a deluxe edition that actually includes them?

A perfect example of today's craptastic state of rights management, and how the music industry slowly stabs itself to death with it. Then again, if rock radio can't pick its own songs, why let shows about rock radio do it?

We Have Always Lived in the Castle, or Did Until the Nielsens Were Released

Two nights ago, I screamed in my sleep.

In my dream, some former coworkers and I were temporarily living together in this spooky old house. Like a Shirley Jackson reality show, but without the show or, in retrospect, the reality.

We gradually became aware of horrible music playing through loudspeakers in every room of the house. This sound... it was alive and growing louder. It would not let us sleep or think. It was monotonic. It was needles in the spine.

Soon the residents split up and began to hunt for its source. Throughout the building, people uncovered ancient, industrially sealed phonographs at work. But when the machines were destroyed, there was no effect on the aural terror filling the house.

Finally, I discovered a vulnerable turntable that was clearly playing the music in question. I grabbed the tonearm, and with deliberation, so that all my friends would hear our triumph, I dragged that needle across the platter, heavy and hard. I then stomped the life out of it. There was silence.

Seconds later, the music began again from somewhere else. Raising my clawed hands to the sky, I screamed.

Then the Ms. was standing over me. I'd awoken on the couch, where she'd run all the way from the bedroom. She asked what was wrong. Groggy and sheepish, I said, "I was being tortured."

Quickly, to defuse the moment, I added: "With calliope music."

Nearby the TV was playing the DVD menu screen of "Laugh Your Troubles Away: The Complete History of Riverview Park." It had probably been looping away for the thirty minutes or more since I'd dozed off watching it.

I'll never get my name on movie ads this way. This gentle, nostalgic documentary brings back the fun of yesteryear. "I screamed in my sleep!" -- Five O'Clock Rock

Welcome to my nightmare.

LSD Inventor, Dead at Age 102

Swiss chemist and psychedelic pioneer Albert Hoffman, who inadvertently discovered the hallucinogenic properties of LSD and first tested them on himself, died Tuesday. His face fucking melted off, man. He was 102.

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 55)

Safety glasses required in this area.

Intro
Biology / Joe Jackson
Gravity's Gone / Drive-By Truckers
Chemistry / Semisonic
Love Is Like Oxygen / Sweet
She's Electric / Oasis
X-Ray Man / Liz Phair
Phenomena / Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Astral Plane / The Modern Lovers
Darkmatter / Andrew Bird
Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology) / Marvin Gaye
Biological Speculation / Funkadelic
She Blinded Me With Science / Thomas Dolby

This Friday's Mix: Science!

Oh my god.



911: This is 911; what is your emergency?

CALLER: Oh... oh my god. My junk. My junk. It's gone. One minute, I was reading a flyer. Next thing I knew, I woke up in this hotel bathtub packed with ice. A note said, "Your junk has been removed. Call 911." So I did.

911: I'm sorry, you want Junk Removal 911. I'll transfer you.

CALLER: Hurry! Please. I feel... dizzy.

Today's "Classic" Five O'Clock Rock: (Episode 28)

I guess it was snowing pretty hard on 12.01.2006, too.

Intro
The Blizzard / Charley Pride
Snowflake / Jim Reeves
Snowflake / Girls Are Short
The Blizzard of '96 / The Walkmen
Snowflakes / Carmen Rizzo
Snowflakes / Just Jack
Blizzard of '77 / Nada Surf
Whiteout / Boss Hog
Blizzard of '78 / Ida
Snowflakes / Pizzicato Five
Snowflakes / Grant Lee Phillips
Snowflakes / Doug Hoekstra
Blizzard / Ellis Paul
The Blizzard / Cowboy Nation
Snow Days / Trip Shakespeare
Snow Blizzard

This Friday's Mix: No Two Alike

Rock Always Says It Better

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose—a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.
   -- Mary "Wollstonecraft" Shelley, Frankenstein

Buh-nuh nuh nuh nuh-nuh NUH, buh-nuh nuh nuh-nuh (boodle leedle eedle eedle). Buh-nuh nuh nuh nuh-nuh NUH, buh-nuh nuh nuh-nuh (wwrrrrreeeeeeoowwwww).
   -- Edgar "Whiteasgetout" Winter, "Frankenstein"

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 54)

‘Tis you, ‘tis you must go and I must dig. Dig?

Intro
Flute Loop / The Beastie Boys
Thank You (Falletin Me Be Mice Elf Again) / Joe Thomas
Burning Spear / S.O.U.L.
The Bottle / Gil Scott-Heron
Smiling Faces Sometimes / Bobbi Humphrey
Nubian Lady / Yusef Lateef
Cry Me A River / Sam Cooke
Go To Hell / Nina Simone
You Are The Woman / Firefall
The India Song / Big Star
Spill The Wine / Eric Burdon & War
Watermelon Man / Herbie Hancock
Never Can Say Goodbye / Isaac Hayes
Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Rai / Bing Crosby

This Friday's Mix: The Pipes Are Calling

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 53)

You can rock all of the people some of the time. You can rock some of the people all of the time. But you can't rock all of the people until a certain time.

Intro
Cross-Eyed Mary / Jethro Tull
Christine Sixteen / Kiss
Weird Beard / Fu Manchu
Bullet and A Target / Citizen Cope
Pretty Penny / Stone Temple Pilots
Big Log / Viktor Krauss
Railway Shoes / Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians
Honest I Do / Jimmy Reed
Sad Head Blues / Mr. Sad Head
Kentucky Woman / Neil Diamond
Living In A House Divided / Cher
Start A War / The National
Eye On Springfield Theme / Alf Clausen
Abe Lincoln Versus Madison Avenue / Bob Newhart

This Friday's Mix: Abraham Linkage

Hanging In and Jiving

Supplementing this post, thanks to Linda:

While we lost the singer of the "Maude" theme song some time ago, WNYC's "Soundcheck" recently reassured us that the theme's writer is still kicking. To my mind, the man did more for Lady Godiva than chocolate.

Speaking of She Who Shall Not Be Tranquilizin', check out The Beachwood Reporter's celebration of 35 years of "Maude."

By the way, the 35th anniversary gift is jade, and "jade" can also be defined as "a bad-tempered or disreputable woman."

[PINKY TO CHIN, COYLY] Oh, did I just blow your mind?

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 51)

Fat Tuesdays, seen and unseen.

Intro
Charlemagne / John Cale
That Will Be Good Enough For Me / Rance Allen Group
Dixie Toot / Rod Stewart
Carnival Game / Cheap Trick
Across The Border / Electric Light Orchestra
Shake Your Rump / The Beastie Boys
Let The Rhythm Run / Salt-N-Pepa
Carnival Time / Al Johnson
Handa Wanda / Bo Dollis & the Wild Magnolia Mardi Gras Indian Band
Mardi Gras In New Orleans / Professor Longhair
Mardi Gras Day / Dr. John

This Friday's Mix: Mardi Gras

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 50)

THE Five O'Clock Rock?

Intro
Alex Chilton / The Replacements
Eddie Vedder / Local H
Tom Sawyer / Rush
Pablo Picasso / The Modern Lovers
Jesus Christ / Big Star
Johnny Appleseed / Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros
Sir Duke / Stevie Wonder
Bo Diddley / The Meters
Shadrach / The Beastie Boys
Dennehy / Serengeti
Bruce Lee / Underworld
James Brown / Big Audio Dynamite
Johnny Mathis' Feet / American Music Club
Ingrid Bergman / Billy Bragg & Wilco
Hong Kong Phooey / Sublime

This Friday's Mix: Name Checking

...But I Heard the Hook Was on His Foot

One more strike against everything I learned on the playground.

I always thought that Van Halen was famous for requiring their backstage bowls of M&Ms be filled only with green ones, due to their purported aphrodisiac qualities. 

Turns out, idiot, the backstage rider wasn't "all green ones," but rather "no brown ones." And the reason, at least according to Diamond Dave, was a totally practical one having nothing to do with making Teacher hot(ter).

Perhaps it's time to revisit my phobia of eating KFC at the drive-in.

Nope. Still too scary. (SHUDDER) KFC.

Today's blow to childhood conventional wisdom delivered by allmusic.com.

The 7 Habits and/or Toiletries* of Highly Effective People



* As evidenced by the briefcase left on our garbage cans.

7. Being Proactive
6. Old Spice Red Zone Body Wash
5. Dollar-store Febreze knock-off
4. Putting First Things First
3. Literature of Bill W. & Top rolling papers (tie)
1. Begin with the End in Mind...But if You're Caught Mid-Alley-Defecation, Forget the Briefcase and Run

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 49)

Oooh, you dirty year.

Intro
Rats In The Cellar / Aerosmith
Ratcity In Blue / Good Rats
Lay It Down / Ratt
Like A Goddam Rat / Early Man
Reveal the Rats / Fatal Flying Guillotines
Rat Patrol / Naked Raygun
Rats / Pearl Jam
I Came As A Rat / Modest Mouse
I Think I Smell A Rat / The White Stripes
Bold Rat / The Coctails
I Smell A Rat / Clarence Carter
Rats In My Kitchen / Sleepy John Estes
Rat In My Kitchen / UB40
Rat Race / Bob Marley
Year Of The Rat / Badly Drawn Boy

This Friday's Mix: Year of the Rat