Sunday, September 21, 2003

I would love to be the first person on record to point out my long-held genius discovery that Strange Brew is the funniest take on "Hamlet" not written by Tom Stoppard. Two bumblers, a spooky place called Elsinore, an heir whose father was killed and replaced: it's all there. "Hamlet" with belching. Sadly for my hope, I just saw my genius on All-Movie Guide.

I will now put forth a new theory: Now, Voyager (1942) is the evil, dirtier twin of Fatal Attraction (1987).

Forty-five years older than Fatal Attraction, Now, Voyager has more shocking infidelity action. Sure, a mentally unbalanced woman and an unhappily married man become drawn to each other. Duddle-lah. The movies keep pace there. But then Now, Voyager takes a swift lead and heads down Dirty Bird Lane.

Unhappily-but-devotedly married Paul Henried meets Bette Davis on a cruise while he's traveling on business. They immediately have eyes for each other.

Instead of straddling in a freight elevator, when they get alone, they... smoke cigarettes, after he suavely lights two double-lighty-style and hands one to her! Over. And. Over. Again.

Instead of loosening a pedestal sink with their primal thrusting, the animally attracted couple... remain fond of one another!

Stranded on shore, they camp together, and... don't have sex! He kisses her sleeping lips! Once! For. Almost. Two. Seconds.

Instead of the obsessed woman making his life a living hell and threatening his entire family, she... leaves immediately, and never calls him! Not. One. Time.

And then, when they meet by chance later, still aching for each other, the desperate lovers profess their undying love and... do nothing! And part!

Instead of killing and cooking her unattainable lover's child's pet, she... selflessly devotes herself to his misfit daughter without him knowing! Becoming the girl's best friend, spending a fortune on her, and curing her psychological problems! Free. Of. Charge.

When he discovers her actions toward his child, he grabs... her! And says they can pretend they're married and in love! They can even pretend the girl is THEIR child and confer on her upbringing! And. Never. Ever. Touch.

It's "Hiatal Attraction." A tale of sneaking around and being in romantic, celibate love.

I feel dirty.

Today's FOCR: "Do Ya," Electric Light Orchestra, A New World Record

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