We Have Always Lived in the Castle, or Did Until the Nielsens Were Released

Two nights ago, I screamed in my sleep.

In my dream, some former coworkers and I were temporarily living together in this spooky old house. Like a Shirley Jackson reality show, but without the show or, in retrospect, the reality.

We gradually became aware of horrible music playing through loudspeakers in every room of the house. This sound... it was alive and growing louder. It would not let us sleep or think. It was monotonic. It was needles in the spine.

Soon the residents split up and began to hunt for its source. Throughout the building, people uncovered ancient, industrially sealed phonographs at work. But when the machines were destroyed, there was no effect on the aural terror filling the house.

Finally, I discovered a vulnerable turntable that was clearly playing the music in question. I grabbed the tonearm, and with deliberation, so that all my friends would hear our triumph, I dragged that needle across the platter, heavy and hard. I then stomped the life out of it. There was silence.

Seconds later, the music began again from somewhere else. Raising my clawed hands to the sky, I screamed.

Then the Ms. was standing over me. I'd awoken on the couch, where she'd run all the way from the bedroom. She asked what was wrong. Groggy and sheepish, I said, "I was being tortured."

Quickly, to defuse the moment, I added: "With calliope music."

Nearby the TV was playing the DVD menu screen of "Laugh Your Troubles Away: The Complete History of Riverview Park." It had probably been looping away for the thirty minutes or more since I'd dozed off watching it.

I'll never get my name on movie ads this way. This gentle, nostalgic documentary brings back the fun of yesteryear. "I screamed in my sleep!" -- Five O'Clock Rock

Welcome to my nightmare.

LSD Inventor, Dead at Age 102

Swiss chemist and psychedelic pioneer Albert Hoffman, who inadvertently discovered the hallucinogenic properties of LSD and first tested them on himself, died Tuesday. His face fucking melted off, man. He was 102.

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 55)

Safety glasses required in this area.

Intro
Biology / Joe Jackson
Gravity's Gone / Drive-By Truckers
Chemistry / Semisonic
Love Is Like Oxygen / Sweet
She's Electric / Oasis
X-Ray Man / Liz Phair
Phenomena / Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Astral Plane / The Modern Lovers
Darkmatter / Andrew Bird
Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology) / Marvin Gaye
Biological Speculation / Funkadelic
She Blinded Me With Science / Thomas Dolby

This Friday's Mix: Science!

Oh my god.



911: This is 911; what is your emergency?

CALLER: Oh... oh my god. My junk. My junk. It's gone. One minute, I was reading a flyer. Next thing I knew, I woke up in this hotel bathtub packed with ice. A note said, "Your junk has been removed. Call 911." So I did.

911: I'm sorry, you want Junk Removal 911. I'll transfer you.

CALLER: Hurry! Please. I feel... dizzy.

Today's "Classic" Five O'Clock Rock: (Episode 28)

I guess it was snowing pretty hard on 12.01.2006, too.

Intro
The Blizzard / Charley Pride
Snowflake / Jim Reeves
Snowflake / Girls Are Short
The Blizzard of '96 / The Walkmen
Snowflakes / Carmen Rizzo
Snowflakes / Just Jack
Blizzard of '77 / Nada Surf
Whiteout / Boss Hog
Blizzard of '78 / Ida
Snowflakes / Pizzicato Five
Snowflakes / Grant Lee Phillips
Snowflakes / Doug Hoekstra
Blizzard / Ellis Paul
The Blizzard / Cowboy Nation
Snow Days / Trip Shakespeare
Snow Blizzard

This Friday's Mix: No Two Alike

Rock Always Says It Better

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose—a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.
   -- Mary "Wollstonecraft" Shelley, Frankenstein

Buh-nuh nuh nuh nuh-nuh NUH, buh-nuh nuh nuh-nuh (boodle leedle eedle eedle). Buh-nuh nuh nuh nuh-nuh NUH, buh-nuh nuh nuh-nuh (wwrrrrreeeeeeoowwwww).
   -- Edgar "Whiteasgetout" Winter, "Frankenstein"

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 54)

‘Tis you, ‘tis you must go and I must dig. Dig?

Intro
Flute Loop / The Beastie Boys
Thank You (Falletin Me Be Mice Elf Again) / Joe Thomas
Burning Spear / S.O.U.L.
The Bottle / Gil Scott-Heron
Smiling Faces Sometimes / Bobbi Humphrey
Nubian Lady / Yusef Lateef
Cry Me A River / Sam Cooke
Go To Hell / Nina Simone
You Are The Woman / Firefall
The India Song / Big Star
Spill The Wine / Eric Burdon & War
Watermelon Man / Herbie Hancock
Never Can Say Goodbye / Isaac Hayes
Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Rai / Bing Crosby

This Friday's Mix: The Pipes Are Calling

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 53)

You can rock all of the people some of the time. You can rock some of the people all of the time. But you can't rock all of the people until a certain time.

Intro
Cross-Eyed Mary / Jethro Tull
Christine Sixteen / Kiss
Weird Beard / Fu Manchu
Bullet and A Target / Citizen Cope
Pretty Penny / Stone Temple Pilots
Big Log / Viktor Krauss
Railway Shoes / Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians
Honest I Do / Jimmy Reed
Sad Head Blues / Mr. Sad Head
Kentucky Woman / Neil Diamond
Living In A House Divided / Cher
Start A War / The National
Eye On Springfield Theme / Alf Clausen
Abe Lincoln Versus Madison Avenue / Bob Newhart

This Friday's Mix: Abraham Linkage

Hanging In and Jiving

Supplementing this post, thanks to Linda:

While we lost the singer of the "Maude" theme song some time ago, WNYC's "Soundcheck" recently reassured us that the theme's writer is still kicking. To my mind, the man did more for Lady Godiva than chocolate.

Speaking of She Who Shall Not Be Tranquilizin', check out The Beachwood Reporter's celebration of 35 years of "Maude."

By the way, the 35th anniversary gift is jade, and "jade" can also be defined as "a bad-tempered or disreputable woman."

[PINKY TO CHIN, COYLY] Oh, did I just blow your mind?

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 51)

Fat Tuesdays, seen and unseen.

Intro
Charlemagne / John Cale
That Will Be Good Enough For Me / Rance Allen Group
Dixie Toot / Rod Stewart
Carnival Game / Cheap Trick
Across The Border / Electric Light Orchestra
Shake Your Rump / The Beastie Boys
Let The Rhythm Run / Salt-N-Pepa
Carnival Time / Al Johnson
Handa Wanda / Bo Dollis & the Wild Magnolia Mardi Gras Indian Band
Mardi Gras In New Orleans / Professor Longhair
Mardi Gras Day / Dr. John

This Friday's Mix: Mardi Gras

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 50)

THE Five O'Clock Rock?

Intro
Alex Chilton / The Replacements
Eddie Vedder / Local H
Tom Sawyer / Rush
Pablo Picasso / The Modern Lovers
Jesus Christ / Big Star
Johnny Appleseed / Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros
Sir Duke / Stevie Wonder
Bo Diddley / The Meters
Shadrach / The Beastie Boys
Dennehy / Serengeti
Bruce Lee / Underworld
James Brown / Big Audio Dynamite
Johnny Mathis' Feet / American Music Club
Ingrid Bergman / Billy Bragg & Wilco
Hong Kong Phooey / Sublime

This Friday's Mix: Name Checking

...But I Heard the Hook Was on His Foot

One more strike against everything I learned on the playground.

I always thought that Van Halen was famous for requiring their backstage bowls of M&Ms be filled only with green ones, due to their purported aphrodisiac qualities. 

Turns out, idiot, the backstage rider wasn't "all green ones," but rather "no brown ones." And the reason, at least according to Diamond Dave, was a totally practical one having nothing to do with making Teacher hot(ter).

Perhaps it's time to revisit my phobia of eating KFC at the drive-in.

Nope. Still too scary. (SHUDDER) KFC.

Today's blow to childhood conventional wisdom delivered by allmusic.com.

The 7 Habits and/or Toiletries* of Highly Effective People



* As evidenced by the briefcase left on our garbage cans.

7. Being Proactive
6. Old Spice Red Zone Body Wash
5. Dollar-store Febreze knock-off
4. Putting First Things First
3. Literature of Bill W. & Top rolling papers (tie)
1. Begin with the End in Mind...But if You're Caught Mid-Alley-Defecation, Forget the Briefcase and Run

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 49)

Oooh, you dirty year.

Intro
Rats In The Cellar / Aerosmith
Ratcity In Blue / Good Rats
Lay It Down / Ratt
Like A Goddam Rat / Early Man
Reveal the Rats / Fatal Flying Guillotines
Rat Patrol / Naked Raygun
Rats / Pearl Jam
I Came As A Rat / Modest Mouse
I Think I Smell A Rat / The White Stripes
Bold Rat / The Coctails
I Smell A Rat / Clarence Carter
Rats In My Kitchen / Sleepy John Estes
Rat In My Kitchen / UB40
Rat Race / Bob Marley
Year Of The Rat / Badly Drawn Boy

This Friday's Mix: Year of the Rat

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 48)

A little something for your yearhole.

Intro
Heretics / Andrew Bird
Here Comes the Rain / The Ladybug Transistor
Mistaken For Strangers / The National
Mutiny, I Promise You / The New Pornographers
A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene / Okkervil River
Up On Crutches / The Sea And Cake
Party / El Perro Del Mar
How Dark Is Your Dark Side / His Name Is Alive
Lord, Let Us Shine / The Pink Mountaintops
Eyes On The Prize / Mavis Staples
How Long Do I Have To Wait For You? / Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings
Deep In The Sand / The Budos Band
Way Back When / Buck 65
Oh Katrina / Anders Osborne
Shake It Off / Wilco

This Friday's Mix: Ear in Review
(Yes, some are older than 2007. Never was accused of being overly up-to-the-minute.)

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 47)

It was a day and/or night like no other. One I will remember 'til the day and/or night I die.

Intro
The Day I Tried to Live / Soundgarden
Today / Smashing Pumpkins
The Day that Curly Billy Shot Down Crazy Sam McGee / The Hollies
The Night Chicago Died / Paper Lace
Turn-Down Day / The Cyrkle
Tuesday, Oct. 24th / Clem Snide
A Big Day In The North / Black Grape
Papa Was a Rolling Stone / The Pioneers
The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia / Vicki Lawrence
December 1963 (Oh, What A Night) / Frankie Valli And The Four Seasons
Saturday In the Park / Chicago
Such A Night / Clyde McPhatter & The Drifters
The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down / Joan Baez
The Day They Sold Beer In Church / Norman Greenbaum
Nobody Told Me / John Lennon
Eve Of Destruction / Barry McGuire

This Friday's Mix: Days of Infamy

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 46)

Okay, this takes some background.

Way back, there was this scene that my friend Kit and I always talked about putting into a screenplay. It was basically a real conversation of ours. The scene would have gone something like this:

INT. CAR
J is driving. KIT is shotgun. On the radio, Sam Cooke's "What a Wonderful World" is in its final chorus.
KIT: What a perfect song. Just perfect. Sam Cooke, right?
J: Yep.
KIT: Man, whatever happened to him?
J: He was shot outside a motel office, wearing nothing but a trenchcoat.
KIT: JESUS. Really?
J: Mmm-hmm.
On the radio, Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" begins to play.
KIT: Nothing bad happened to Marvin Gaye, did it?
J: Shot.
KIT: Damn.
J: By his own father.
KIT: Fuck!
KIT reaches over and turns the radio dial.
KIT: Them?
J: Singer, car crash.
KIT changes the dial again.
J: Car.
Again.
J: Car.
Again.
J: Plane.
Again.
J: Drowned.
Again.
J: Can't remember. Something with vomit.
Again.
J: Drowned in vomit.
KIT turns off the radio.
KIT: Okay. The one song that will cheer me up, no matter what's wrong. (INHALES) Please, please tell me that, somewhere, the theme-from-"Maude" guy is a fat happy grandpa.
J: Fell out a window.
There is silence.
KIT: (POINTS) That bar up there.
J: Sounds good.
EXT. CAR
The car exits the freeway.
KIT: But then we're sleeping it off in the car.

Sorry. It's just been that sort of week. Not to mention how I felt myself age by writing that I have used a car radio with dials.

Intro
Big Houses / House Of Freaks
I'm Free Now / Morphine
#1 Hit Song / Minutemen
Ticket Tulane / Silkworm
Trouble / Little Feat
Ballad Of Big Nothing / Elliott Smith
Things Behind The Sun / Nick Drake
New Year's Prayer / Jeff Buckley
You And Your Sister / Chris Bell
That's Where It's At / Sam Cooke
When Did You Stop Loving Me, When Did I Stop Loving You / Marvin Gaye
You've Got A Friend / Donny Hathaway
I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song / Jim Croce
Let's Get Lost / Chet Baker
Loving You / Minnie Riperton
Don't Cry / J Dilla

This Friday's Mix: Whatever Happened To?

Do This, Don't Do That/Can't Yuu Read the Sign?



This picture, it's hilareus.

Word of the Week

Se•cret Han•ta

(n.) The process of swapping viruses at holiday gatherings, usually done anonymously.

I think Cousin Earl must have had me for Secret Hanta. I remember seeing him sneeze into the cider.

Today's Five O'Clock Rock (Episode 45)

All the better to rock you.

Intro
What Would Wolves Do? / Les Savy Fav
The Wolf Put His Mouth On Me / His Name Is Alive
The Grandmother Wolf / Pretty Girls Make Graves
Teenage Werewolf / The Barbarellas
Hungry Like the Wolf / Duran Duran
Wild Flower / The Cult
Run With The Wolf / Rainbow
Werewolves of London / Magnolia Electric Co
Little Red Riding Hood / Sea Monster
Clap for the Wolfman / The Guess Who
Hillbilly Wolf / Link Wray
The Howling Wolf / Lightnin' Hopkins
Let The Wolves Howl At The Moon / Super Furry Animals
Full Moon / The Kinks
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (Part 2) / Jimmy Smith
Prenez garde au grand méchant loup / Django Reinhardt

This Friday's Mix: What Big Teeth