Five O'Clock Rock

Dumbing Down the House

I never fail to be amazed by the number of ways I've heard corporate types encrypt a simple four-word phrase into a paragraph of demographic analysis.

The phrase: "I don't get it."

It's always expressed as concern for the audience's base of knowledge, but do you hear that Kodak carousel click and rumble, and see dust floating across a beam of light? That's them, projecting their own dumbitude onto that teeming mass of morons out there. The ones who disavow anything that happened before 1998, anywhere other than on MTV, to anyone but P. Diddy.

Not us -- we're cool, of course. We just have to keep our audience in mind. Now, here when you talk about Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, why do you mention Don Rickles? What's the connection there?

Why won't people admit to not knowing anymore? Think of the great things ruined by the inability to say "I don't know":

Q: Knock knock.
A: Gee, do people really knock anymore? I think our audience probably just uses their cell phones when they pull up outside.

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Q: What's the difference between a dwarf magician and chlamydia?
A: What if it were... SARS? I think our audience will know that better.
Q: No, you see, it specifically has to be an STD, because it's a play on words between "cunning runt" and--
A2 (speakerphone): Or what did Pedro on "The Real World" have?
A: Oh, that's great! Nice and current. We could use that!

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Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No, Who's playing first.
Costello: Never mind first. I wanna know, what's the guy's name on third.
Abbott: No, What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: Our audience is long gone by now.
Abbott: He's on thir-- What?
Costello: Too many questions.
Abbott: Lou, what are you doing? We're on the radio.
Costello: Radio?! (SNORTS) No, no, no.
Abbott: Listen, you fuck-drunk retard. You embarrass me once more in front of...
Costello: ...Three commuters and a security guard? If you really want to reach the kids these days, you-- Aaack. Choking. Me.

Today's FOCR: "This Is Pretty Funny. I Mean, I Get It. But After All, Most of Our Audience Probably Wasn't Even Born in 1987 :>) What If It Were Linkin Park?," The Replacements, Pleased To Meet Me