Thursday, November 13, 2003

"God" Damn, It's Good To Be Home

I traveled quite a bit over the past few weeks, causing a break in posting which I'm sure disappointed the three of you mightily.

This great country of ours, I tell you, it brings me a lot of joy. Ricky "Travelin' Man" Nelson may have had one lovely girl waiting in every port, but I've got my own things I count on while crossing America. Things which bring me my own kind of "homeland security."

No matter the town, I know:

* If it's Tuesday, somewhere on the radio is a Twofer Tuesday.

* If it's October, somewhere on the radio is a celebration of Rocktober.

[What other month can claim that kind of smooth twist? "Groovember?" Get out.]

* If it's a Tuesday in October, my head will explode with rocked-out joy.

* If it's a diner, there will be a breakfast special called "Deuces" something, involving pairs of eggs, sausages, toast, etc. These never, though, come with two orange juices.

* If it's a diner, and I ask for something "venti," they will punch me, as they should.

* If it's a public restroom, the hand dryer will be tactically etched to read PUSH BUTT and RUB HANDS UNDER ARM.

* If it's a late-model Volkswagen, it's in a hurry and sees you as an obstacle.

* If it's a dry cleaner, any requested turnaround time is like asking to rend the very fabric of time and space. I could ask to have my clothes back by 2007, and I'd be met with a Scotty-like plea for reason. "Two pants and shirt, Cap'n! The Martinizer's on the brink as she is -- I kinna do 't!"

* If it's signage involving quotation marks, it's going to be a laugher. A loose cannon with a Sharpie will always try for the five-dollar punctuation and come back with four singles and change.

The best was the front window of a bar on Foster Avenue in Chicago. Amid the posted bucket o' beer specials, the painter exhorted heavenly homeland protection thusly:
It could be a stinging piece of bitter philosophic sarcasm. Or the guy could just be "an" idiot.

Today's FOCR: (Quoth) "The Raven," Alan Parsons Project, Tales of Mystery and Imagination

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