Doughnut Chain to Cat: "It's Just You and Me, Mr. Fuzzers."

Krispy Kreme announced a first-quarter loss, and blamed the Atkins diet for its problems.

Feeling really bummed, Krispy Kreme then went home. It got into sweatclothes, and ate a bunch of itself.

The next day, swearing new resolve, Krispy Kreme decided to go on the Atkins diet.

Then Krispy Kreme remembered that was the problem in the first place. So it went home and ate more of itself.

And then it cried.

Everything That Panders Must Converge

Vivendi, GE Complete NBC Universal Deal

Separately, Variety quotes the announcement's promotional video, which calls the new NBC Universal alloy "a 24-hour cross-promotional machine."

Great. Not enough of those these days.

If you MTV-producing-CBS-Super-Bowl-halftime know what I mean.

If you Tonight's-Fox-News-top-story-"American-Idol-Is-Awesome" know what I mean.

If you...

Today's FOCR: "57 Channels (and Nothin' On)," Bruce Springsteen, Human Touch

... know what I mean.

[iTunes]

Bi-cycle, Bi-cycle

I admit grudgingly that there is something worse than a bicycle thief.

A thief on a bicycle... who steals a three-million-dollar cello you left on your porch.

Yet I am conflicted. For I am a fan of the thief who scores AND still has time for the funny:

The grainy video shows the thief pedaling away with the silver cello case under his arm, then has the sound of him crashing into trash cans before getting away.

Don't forget the screeching cat. [GLEEFULLY KNEADING HANDS] There WILL be a screeching cat, right?

Today's FOCR: "Cat Scratch Fever," Ted Nugent, Cat Scratch Fever
[iTunes]

Doo Dee Doo Dee Doo Dee

Hmm... what's in the news today?

New missile in North Korea could target Guam bases

North Korea is preparing to deploy a newly developed intermediate-range ballistic missile that has a range sufficient to reach U.S. bases in Guam ....

Wow. Don't like the sounds of that. Hey, what's this?

Air America Radio chief resigns

The departures of [Evan] Cohen, a former Republican political operative from Guam who was among the network's initial investors, and [Rex] Sorenson, an investor who owns radio stations in Guam...

Um, anybody want to tell me why the hell I just read about Guam twice in the same day?

Today's FOCR: "Destroyer," The Kinks, Give the People What They Want

Must Have Been a White Guy Who Started (Me On) All That (Again)

In the same way that I (and apparently, future generations) will never know a Bugs Bunny-less Barber of Seville:

An NPR series on Nelson Mandela this week brings back memories of the greatest rap j'accuse of them all. Because, of all the things P.W. Botha will mean to history, of course I only remember his infliction of the Gas Face.

Thank god MC Serch turned me around on the whole segregation-as-a-policy thing back in the '80s.

On the other hand, The Spoonbender's elegant reminder of the phrase "pushing the goofy" most definitely gets no Gas Face.

Today's FOCR: "Gas Face," 3rd Bass, The Cactus Album

Screenplay Observations

All doors "fly" open.

Everybody uses each other's names a lot. "You need a ride, Pete?" "Thanks, Bill."

People working at computers say a lot of things like, "You'd better check this out" or "Take a look at this." Most have "never seen anything like this."

All computers have big visual alerts when access is denied. They never just ask for a username and password endlessly.

Searching a computer database for left-handed Scorpios who earned political science degrees between 1964 and 1970 from colleges within 100 miles of Boston takes, at most, ten keystrokes.

Young kids who are older than their years say "shit." Parents who are cooler than their years say "bullshit."

Sad people alternate between "the brink of tears" and "breaking down in tears."

No matter where they live, no matter how much they earn, if people are in a depressive funk, their residences fill with Chinese takeout litter.

They will also verbally abuse nice bartenders who know their names.

Today's FOCR: "B Movie," Delbert McClinton, Second Wind

Sig Alert

Do so many people in Los Angeles refuse to use their turn signals for the same reason they only commit 75% to any appointment, then show up 20 minutes late ...

... That need to keep options open?

Because you never know when turning right from the left-turn lane is just too sweet to pass up, bro.

Today's FOCR: "Show Me The Way (live)," Peter Frampton, Frampton Comes Alive!

In English (with Aromatic Subtitles)

A British film called "Sex Lives of the Potato Men" is also being called "a sump of untreated dung," a "master class in nauseous ineptitude" and many other fancy-pants insults you'd never be able to muster in a thousand years. The outcry from critics, editors and politicians alike has people debating if this comedy is the worst British movie ever made.

Why the furor? Seems they're upset that a movie featuring onscreen nose-picking, piles of dog feces and masturbation aided by edible spreads was given half of its budget by the U.K. Film Council, which is funded by lottery money.

From the International Herald-Tribune story:

Julie Kirkbride, the culture spokeswoman for the Conservative Party, told that newspaper that while "you can produce any old rubbish with your own money," members of the lottery-ticket-buying public "don't want to feel their money is being wasted."

Because when I think "highly concerned about smart use of money," I think "lottery ticket buyer."

Gee...

On facing pages of the LA Times from Sunday 21 March 2004:

Page A26:
Headline: "Carbon Dioxide Levels Rising Faster; Buildup Sets Record"

"Carbon dioxide... has reached record-high levels in the atmosphere after growing at an accelerated pace in the last year..."

".... mostly from burning of coal, gasoline and other fossil fuels..."

"... Asked to explain the stepped-up rate, climatologists were cautious, saying data needed to be further evaluated."

"... The United States, the world's biggest carbon dioxide emitter, signed the [Kyoto Protocol] agreement but did not ratify it, and the Bush administration has since withdrawn U.S. support..."

Page A27:
Full-page ad:

"AN AMERICAN REVOLUTION"

"... 2004 CHEVY SILVERADO 1/2-TON EXT CAB LS 2WD"

"... DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TRUCK?"

Today's FOCR: "Turn the Page," Bob "Like a Rock" Seger, Back in '72

Five O'Clock Rocks

Today's LA Times was the first I'd heard of rocks being mailed back to Uluru, or The Australian Outback Monolith Formerly Known As Ayers Rock. (However, international news seems to have picked up on this a month ago.)

Souvenir chunks of the sacred Aboriginal site are now being sent back by tourists haunted by guilt or a perceived streak of bad luck. Newly respectful -- or fearful of the Aboriginal bogeyman* -- foreign filchers are forfeiting their forbidden formations.

So. Anybody got Donald Rumsfeld's email address? I've got an article I'd like to forward him... well, two, actually.

Today's FOCR: "Rock of Ages," Def Leppard, Pyromania

* Abobogeynal? Bogeymanimal?

If I Can Just Say Something

I'd like to be earnest for just a moment. Perhaps you say, "Oh, no. When he gets earnest is when he most embarrasses himself."

To which I'd say, "Ouch. If I can earnestly tell you how that felt, that was the most--." Then my vision would swim with tears. I would emit a quiet, high-pitched sound. Lurching up from my chair, I'd try to leave the room with a flimsy composure, but not before I weave in the hallway and snag my shirt on a picture hook, tearing the sleeve. "Oh, great," I'd wail. "Just perfect!" Then I'd try to slam the TV room door behind me. But the house has settled in the recent rain, and the door frame has gotten even more misaligned. So it'd bounce back open, and I'd have to debate extending the spectacle by returning to the door to close it with that lifting thing one has to do.

So... good call. Yet, I press on.

In 1996, the Suzuki Motor Corporation sued Consumers Union in connection to an unfavorable 1988 review of the Suzuki Samurai, a.k.a. Tumblin' Dice. Despite overwhelming evidence that the case is groundless and should be thrown out -- as a U.S. District Court has done once already -- the lawsuit has just been sent back to trial by a sharply divided Ninth Circuit.

In this day, with government agencies handing out free passes to any company that shows up at the door with a sack and a Boba Fett mask, an independent voice like CU is crucial. Sure, Consumer Reports has an odd crush on the Kenmore brand I've never shared. But it is independent and objective in an otherwise byzantine media web of corporate connections and influence.

The lawsuit is draining resources from a non-profit organization that should be spending its money on determining if in a house fire our jammies will cook us like Ball Park Franks, or if that breadmaker is a... wait, wait, I've got it... a "deadmaker." Ahh. I knew it was there.

If Suzuki v. Consumers Union continues, it could have a chilling effect on consumer protection. Unfavorable reviews will be become too financially dangerous to publish. You can imagine the result...

A snowy November afternoon. Heading out to the mall in the car, an innocent family is completely unaware that their trip is about to lead them to this kind of horrific wreck.

I urge you to read this, and if convinced, write Suzuki and General Motors (20-percent owner of Suzuki) and demand they drop the lawsuit.

Don't look here for the email address. One needs to write a letter. Recent events prove the difference in attention paid...

email a virus to Congress = nothing
mail a virus to Congress = hoo boy!
Please spend 74 cents and send two letters. For your c+p convenience, I have included the letters I wrote:

Mr. Rick Suzuki, President
American Suzuki Motor Corporation
3251 E. Imperial Highway
Brea, CA 92821-6722

Dear Mr. Suzuki:

I am writing to express my strong objection to Suzuki's litigation against Consumers Union in the Samurai matter. I urge you to cease this groundless and damaging effort immediately.

The independent and impartial work of Consumers Union is needlessly threatened by your company's baseless claims, which have the potential to stifle objective consumer research for fear that any unfavorable review could trigger similar action.

Your company's actions threaten to make America even less safe than it was during the time the Samurai was being sold here.

If Suzuki does not halt its lawsuit against CU, I will be forced to avoid all Suzuki products, and to urge anyone else who will listen to do the same.

In addition, I will boycott the Suzuki Method, just in case your company had anything to do with it, in which case I would presume it could also be hazardous. So thanks for ruining the violin for me as well.

Sincerely,
[your name]

================

Mr. Rick Wagoner, President and CEO
General Motors Corporation
100 Renaissance Center
Detroit, MI 48265-3000

Dear Mr. Wagoner:

I am writing to express my strong objection to Suzuki's litigation against Consumers Union in the Samurai matter. As GM owns 20 percent of Suzuki, I urge you to use your influence to cease Suzuki's groundless and damaging effort immediately.

The independent and impartial work of Consumers Union is needlessly threatened by Suzuki's baseless claims, which have the potential to stifle objective consumer research for fear that any unfavorable review could trigger similar action.

Suzuki's actions threaten to make America even less safe than it was during the time the Samurai was being sold here.

If Suzuki does not halt its lawsuit against CU, by association I will be forced to avoid all GM products, and to urge anyone else who will listen to do the same.

In addition, I will boycott major league sports, since I understand that many teams have a GM. Furthermore, I will have no choice but to avoid genetically modified (GM) products. So thanks for ruining baseball and apple pie for me -- at least this American will still have hot dogs left.

Related question: Is the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile made by GM?

Sincerely,
[your name]

Today's FOCR: "Bad Motor Scooter," Montrose, Montrose

SHAGGY: [FEARFUL] ZOINKS! [SOUND OF RUNNING]

via Berry's World via Scooter:

A secret panel at the Department of Education has decided to withhold closed-captioning grants for a list of certain "inappropriate" shows. Like Bewitched. Scooby-Doo. Law & Order. The Simpsons. NASCAR. And almost 200 others, according to the Palm Beach Post editorial.

Great. Yet another Bush telling us to read lips.

Today's FOCR: "4'33"," John Cage, comp.

(About that song link...)

Rock the Quote

Stumbled across this while searching, and it reminded me of someone.

From the cowardice that dare not face new truths,
From the laziness that is contented with half truth,
From the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth,
Good Lord, deliver me.

-- Kenyan prayer, quoted in The Oxford Book of Prayer



Today's FOCR: "Elected," Alice Cooper, Billion Dollar Babies

God Help Me, I Won't Make That "Houston, She Had a Brablem" Joke.
Whoops.
It Was a Restraint Malfunction.

Dear MoveOn.org:

So the key is... you gotta spice it up for CBS.

Call the commercial "Get Off the Deficit Teat," or "Bush's Debt Lasts a Lot Longer Than a Four-Hour Porkpole," or "Bush Doesn't Need To Ask His Brother How To Fuck Our Kids," or like that. You know?

Sizzle and steak, baby.

Today's FOCR: "Dammit Janet," Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack

Dear Rupert: A Quick Thanks for the “Don’t Have a Cow, Man” Beach Towel. Enclosed, Please Find a “Don’t Have a Cow, Man” Beach Towel (Soiled)

A recent LA CityBeat interview with Harry Shearer at least partially answers a question I had all Iraq-war long:

Q: How the hell did the staff of The Simpsons feel about working for Fox, histrionic fanners of the highest war flames?

A: (Shrug) Whaddaya gonna do?

Also, dishy scoopy dish: Fox is cheap. Harry no likee sub-$15 birthday presents.

Today's FOCR: "Gotta Serve Somebody," Bob Dylan, Slow Train Coming

Product Review
SkipDoctor CD & DVD Repair Device
Digital Innovations (retail $29.87)

Note: As a service to the FOCR reader (and I do mean the reader) I will occasionally review products of interest to the music lover. In no way does compensation change hands: I purchase the products at retail price, and am not in contact in any manner with the manufacturers or their distributors. Just a service from one consumer to another.

It was with more than a little excitement that I brought home the highly rated SkipDoctor, a hand-cranked CD & DVD polisher that claims to resurrect scratched and dirty discs. Universally praised, some seem to revere it in the way some do Lourdes water or copper bracelets.

Boy, was I disappointed.

To be fair, it has its good points. The somewhat gun-like shape is still too round for cops to mistake for a weapon as you run through the neighborhood making your PSHEW PSHEW noises at night. The makers also thoughtfully make the spinny wheel thing a neon green for further protection. But my praise ends there.

The cranking has none of the satisfying noise you’d expect. It sounds nothing like an Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle – it’s practically silent! The thing you put the disc onto looks like a ninja star you could shoot if you cranked real hard and pushed some button, but no dice. It stays in place. Those tiny jagged edges on it wouldn’t hurt my brother if I threw the wheel at him harder than I did. Totally stupid. And boring.

The polishing spray tasted terrible. It falls somewhere between Binaca and New Car Smell, but it manages to combine only the worst of those flavors. And they barely give you any. That pump bottle probably runs out after like ten or fifteen sprays under my tongue. What a rip.

Not tested: CD & DVD polishing features.

Today's FOCR: "Big Fat Funky Booty," Spin Doctors, Turn It Upside Down

AP Headline: Pope Likes Mel Gibson's Film on Christ's Passion

[REVIVING WITH A MOAN]
Ow... oh, my head... what happened? How'd I get here on the floor? The last thing I remember, I was reading the news. [PICKS UP PAPER] Maybe it was this: "Carson Daly Likes 'CARSON DALY ROCKS!!!' Web Site." Whaaa? Ohhhhh.... [THUD]

Today's FOCR: "Shock Me," KISS, Love Gun

(DING!) You’re Now Free To Hack About the Country

It’s unbelievable that the airlines will claim they are in such bad financial straits, when they clearly saved so much money by bulk printing about five thrabillion paper tickets back in 1987. Why else would there still be a little Y/N box for “SMOKE” on them, a good ten years after the last smoke was smoked on a smoking flight?

Could there really be some poor puffer out there who is still scanning every ticket with a sweaty gambler’s fever, hoping that Thursday’s Houston-to-Cincinnati run could be The One? “C’mon, baby… daddy needs a new pair of lungs! Is it…? Aw, nuts.”

Today's FOCR: "Home Sweet Home," Motley Crue, Theatre of Pain

Albums Which in the Past Have Caused Me To Exercise with Embarrassing Fury [and Vegas odds on it happening again]

Smashing Pumpkins, Gish [1 in 3]

Van Halen, Women and Children First [even]

Shabba Ranks, X-tra Naked [1 in 1200]

Today's FOCR: "Loss of Control," Van Halen, Women and Children First

”All team members: wolf in aisle five…”

A reader [SFX: surprise-denoting BOING!] forwarded this story in response to the last posting about the Wal-Mart trampling. According to this and other reports, Patricia Vanlester has had what would most optimistically be called central Florida’s worst streak of shopping mishaps. Viewed more realistically, it could be suggested to the IRS that they check her income tax forms for deductions on vocational expenses like neckbraces and Chevy Chase movie rentals.

It certainly makes her case seem ready to be cut down faster than Wal-Mart's price on a gallon of Vlasic pickles. However, some interesting things to keep in mind.

1.) I hate frivolous lawsuits as much as the next decaying, child-molesting pop star. They are a scourge of our society. This doesn’t mean it didn’t happen exactly as asserted, as unlikely as it now seems.

2.) Given the Evil Friday atmosphere created by stores like this, the injury seemed extremely plausible. That attests to a truth behind any lie involved here, which is certainly why the original story spread like wildfire.

3.) My main point about the incident – the siren – remains. See (2).

4.) “Paramedics who assessed her condition … determined her injuries were serious enough to fly her by helicopter to Halifax Medical Center.” If she was faking, then what the hell kind of paramedics they got down there? I’ve had priests and English teachers who were better at spotting fake comas.

Despite it all, one thing remains true:

Florida: Home of the Flim-Flam Since November 2000!

Many thanks to the reader. I shall comb previous posts for “President Dewey” references.

Today's FOCR: "Fall Down Easy," Uncle Tupelo, Still Feel Gone

Make Merry, Throw an Elbow

Folks who get their news online may have seen this story about a woman trampled by fellow Wal-Mart shoppers as the doors were thrown open on Evil Friday, a.k.a. the Christmas shopping opener.

In the 6 a.m. blitz for $29 DVD players, the 41-year-old woman was knocked down and trampled by other consumers, who continued shopping their way around her unconscious form. The final cinematic twist: arriving paramedics found a DVD player underneath her body.

They run this kind of story to make you cluck your tongue and decide that consumerism has ruined society, just before you check Amazon for sub-$30 DVD players you can score without that kind of hassle.

But there's the part of the story, glossed over to get to the condemnation of the crowd, that I can't get out of my head.

Patricia VanLester had her eye on a $29 DVD player, but when the siren blared at 6 a.m. Friday announcing the start to the post-Thanksgiving sale...

Whoa, whoa. Wait. "Siren"?

With a group outside obviously insane enough to camp out well before 6 a.m., the Wal-Mart blows a siren? Why not just put pillow-suits on their non-unionized grocery workers and send them outside to throw raw steaks around?

Wal-Mart Stores spokeswoman Karen Burk said she had never heard of a such a melee during a sale. "We are very disappointed this happened," Burk said. "We want her to come back as a shopper."

...in her next life. Mwoo-hah-ah-ah!

Today's FOCR: "Ballroom Blitz," Krokus, The Blitz